Who Cares for Mom and Dad? A New Study Reveals America is Sharply Divided by Gender, Geography, and Birth Order

When an aging parent needs help, who in the family answers the call? It’s a question that could be answered in various ways, reflecting the complexity of family dynamics. In a new survey we conducted with 1000 Americans, we found that gender, birth order, and geography influence the caregiving role, despite families’ efforts to distribute responsibility more equally. 

This intricate web of influences shows how family support systems can vary in meeting the needs of aging parents. 

Key Findings:

• 62% agree that it is an unspoken expectation that daughters will become the primary caregivers over sons. 

• 38% of men believe that birth order should play a role in determining caregiving responsibilities. 21% of women agreed.

• 36% of family caregivers think in American families, it is the sibling living closest geographically who most often takes on the primary responsibility of caring for an aging parent.

• 37.5% said in an ideal world, caregiving duties should be divided completely equally among adult siblings. 

• 57% of Gen Zers say a caregiving situation has influenced their relationship with a sibling.

• 42% of people describe caregiving as stressful, but manageable with clear communication.

• 32% of those making $150,000 or more believe that if one sibling cannot contribute time to hands-on care, they should contribute more financially.

  
  

The Daughter Default: 6 in 10 Americans Still Expect Women to Handle Family Caregiving

For many families, caregiving continues to follow a familiar pattern. Our survey found that 62% of Americans say it’s an unspoken expectation that daughters, not sons, will become the primary caregivers.

This "daughter default" highlights deeply rooted societal norms that still exist today, reflecting long-standing traditions where women often serve as the primary caregivers. This places a disproportionate amount of family responsibility on women well before the need for care even arises.

And this imbalance doesn’t stop at gender.

Daughter Duty & Birthright: Who Should Care for Mom and Dad?

Our survey uncovered another divide: 38% of men believe birth order should determine who provides care, compared to just 21% of women.

This shows that while gender expectations linger, families also use hierarchy as a rulebook, adding another layer of complexity to important caregiving decisions. 

This gap suggests that while the expectation for daughters remains a powerful undercurrent, the unwritten rules for familial duty are interpreted very differently depending on who you ask.

Caregiving and Geography: The Role of Proximity

Location also plays a major role in who becomes the default caregiver. 36% of family caregivers say the sibling living closest to a parent typically takes on the primary caregiving role.

This reflects a natural reality: proximity makes it easier to help with doctor’s appointments, errands, or check-ins. The convenience of being nearby allows for more frequent and responsive interaction, which is vital for the well-being of aging parents and can ease the emotional and logistical support associated with caregiving.

The Desire for Balance: Families Striving for Shared Care

While the realities of gender roles, birth order, and geography may force one sibling into the primary caregiving role, our study uncovered a desire for a more equitable approach.

When we asked about an ideal world, a significant number of people pushed back against any single deciding factor. 37.5% of Americans believe caregiving duties should be divided equally among all siblings.

This strong preference for shared responsibility highlights how modern families are redefining caregiving. Many are working together to find creative, flexible arrangements that allow everyone to contribute meaningfully, fostering both fairness and stronger family bonds.

Caregiving and Family Dynamics: How Relationships Evolve Through Shared Responsibility

For many families, caregiving is not just about logistics; it is about navigating years of unspoken expectations and responsibilities. Among Gen Z, who were raised with a stronger emphasis on equality and emotional openness, those expectations often clash with reality.

Our survey found that 57% of Gen Z say a caregiving situation has influenced their relationship with a sibling.

This statistic highlights the increasing importance of communication within families. Gone are the days when one sibling was solely responsible for caring for aging parents. Today, as younger generations take on caregiving roles, they are changing the way families communicate and collaborate to support their loved ones.

These experiences reveal the emotional complexity of caregiving: a responsibility that requires time, empathy, and open communication to help families stay connected during more demanding seasons.

The Family Balancing Act: Caregiving’s Emotional Weight

Caregiving affects everyone in the family, not only the person providing the most hands-on support. While the experience can strengthen bonds and bring families closer together, it can also create moments of stress and emotional fatigue.

42% of people describe caregiving as stressful, but manageable with clear communication. Much of this pressure comes from balancing multiple responsibilities, such as work, personal life, and the needs of an aging parent. When families communicate openly and share responsibilities, they often find ways to adapt and support one another more effectively.

By encouraging honest conversations about needs, limitations, and available support, caregiving can become not just a responsibility but an opportunity for families to deepen their understanding and connection.

The Financial Fix: Should Siblings Pay Up If They Don't Show Up?

As families look for ways to share the responsibilities of caregiving, many are rethinking what fairness means. For some, that includes financial contributions from siblings who cannot provide hands-on support.

Our survey found that 32% of those earning $150,000 or more believe that if a sibling cannot contribute time, they should contribute financially. This perspective reflects a growing awareness that time, labor, and emotional energy all have value.

Beyond personal arrangements, more families are also turning to state and federal programs that provide financial assistance to family caregivers. Initiatives such as Medicaid’s Self-Directed Care programs or veteran caregiver stipends allow qualified caregivers to receive payment for the work they already do, helping offset the financial strain that often accompanies long-term care.

Together, these evolving attitudes and resources point toward a more balanced view of caregiving that recognizes both the emotional and economic realities of supporting a loved one.

Summary

The findings from BURD Home Health reveal a nation wrestling with outdated expectations, logistical challenges, and an evolving desire for fairness. Across the country, families are navigating changing expectations while discovering new ways to support one another through life’s transitions.

Caregiving can be demanding, but it also brings out some of the best qualities in people: compassion, patience, and teamwork. Each conversation about how to share responsibilities is a step toward more open communication and stronger family ties.

These discussions about time, resources, and emotional support are not signs of division; they are proof that families are committed to caring for their loved ones in thoughtful, sustainable ways. By turning unspoken expectations into honest dialogue, caregiving can evolve from a source of stress into an opportunity for growth, connection, and lasting understanding.

Methodology

To understand how Americans approach family caregiving, we surveyed 1,000 adults across the country. Participants answered a series of questions about gender roles, sibling dynamics, and caregiving expectations within families. Responses were analyzed by demographic groups, including gender, income, age, and geography, to identify patterns and disparities in how caregiving duties are perceived and distributed.

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